As humans, not only do we crave connection; we need it. We’re living in a period where disconnect is normalized… not needing anyone, not wanting anyone, preferring to sink into ourselves and be alone. It’s easier that way, right? The quiet is calm; peaceful. And we prefer that over entering a relationship that could potentially break us apart.
Relationships in general; platonic and other- have the power to build you up or break you down, which is why it is vital that we are mindful of the people we invite into our circle. Many people do not have the best intentions, nor the best mindset. If not careful, they will bleed their emotional immaturity onto you. Be selfish with your time, be selfish with your energy. Not everyone is deserving.
Cultivating strong, long-lasting relationships seems impossible these days. And one reason being is because so many people are afraid to be real. That’s where the disconnect stems from.
The principles of human connection are empathy, authenticity, shared values, and support. Empathy, to feel deeply. Authenticity, to be real. Shared values, to be familiar. Support, to be validated.
Relationships are as complicated as you make them. Of course, none are perfect; nothing in life is. But there are ways they can be healthy. Relationships are a coin flip… you decide what and who is worth fighting for.
1, The biggest piece of advice I can give, is to please make sure you are surrounding yourself with kind people. Not just people who are kind to you, but kind by nature. Why? People who treat you well because they like you are not as amazing as you’d think.
Read that again. People who treat you well because they like you.
What happens when they don’t like you anymore? And unfortunately, that’s a huge possibility. How will you be treated then? If you’ve ever asked yourself why they were so great in the beginning and so terrible now- the simple answer is: they don’t like you anymore. They have no reason to be kind to you.
To be kind by nature is an instinct. It’s who you are and it speaks positively to your character. Regardless of the current state of their feelings, their nature is to be kind, which includes respect. Not to discard you once they’ve gotten bored of you. As you grow to learn someone more and more, it’s completely normal to decide they don’t fit into your life. But the difference between someone who’s kind to you, and someone who’s kind by nature, is how they deal with the situation.
Surround yourself with kind people.
2, Stop entertaining people who are unsure of you. Stop letting people give you less than half of their time and energy. It’s not worth it. It’s a waste of space, it’s a drain of energy, and it consumes you in the worst ways. So de-normalize “situationships.” De-normalize having a “roster.” These are excuses to hide behind uncertainty, cure a temporary boredom, and use people for entertainment. We have to grow beyond this.
Wanting to have 3 and 4 people at your beck and call is a commitment issue. Wanting to be with someone, but not be with them, is a commitment issue. What you do when you’re single is your choice. It’s okay to date and meet new people- that’s what dating is. But you dictate when someone’s serious to you, and you water that so it will grow. Giving 4 people 25% of you leaves you with 4 people who only know 25% of you. That’s not real. 1 person, 100% is real.
3, Miscommunications. This stems from a lack of value. Valuing someone is just as important as loving someone- because when you value someone, you don’t put yourself in a position to lose them. The inability to have an honest conversation when needed will break a relationship.
No matter how hard you try, you cannot be in a relationship with someone who cannot communicate- especially in tough situations. We cannot read other people’s minds; without effective communication, we’re left with assumptions that ultimately drive the relationship into the ground. We should not be left to assume when there are answers available. However, if the person you’re asking isn’t willing to answer, you have no choice.
There have been times where I knew the truth would hurt, but lying was no better. Regardless of how much I’d want to sugar coat, lie, or even ghost, I knew the least I could do was give a conversation. Having a conversation is the easiest thing you can do. There’s no excuse for not being able to have one.
Ghosting is the easy, but cowardly, route to take. It no longer sits right with me to leave someone hanging; wondering what and where they’d went wrong. No one deserves to have that sitting on their heart when you can ease that feeling by just being honest. We hurt and we will be hurt; that’s inevitable. But what sets us apart is how we handle it.
With that being said, stop believing in potential. Believe in what’s shown. We get ourselves in the stickiest situations because we want to believe that someone who was once kind, can be kind again. Someone who is unsure of you, will become sure eventually. And someone who cannot communicate, will learn.
They will, but it will be on their own account- not yours. Your responsibility is to yourself; making sure that you’re in a space to love loudly, communicate effectively, grow, and connect. You cannot force someone to be what you need. Get comfortable walking away from people who are not where you need them to be now. Cancel the narrative that you have the ability to change someone, or that you’d be willing to wait for someone. Not only is it not fair to you, but it is not your job.
Train your mind to be stronger than your feelings, and your boundaries stronger than your empathy. That is the ultimate cheat code for 2024.
