We’re born with a pair of rose colored glasses.
We see our parents as a parent- that superhero who can do no wrong. But our parents are also human, and we don’t consider that factor until we’re older…
As a kid, you view your parents as all-stars. After all, that’s what they’re “supposed” to be, right? The people who love and care for you unconditionally, always putting you and your needs first; your protector, your go-to for everything. This is the standard for a parent. And being a child, you need that.
Growing up, I was shielded from a lot. I always knew my family wasn’t perfect, but I never knew what specifically was flawed about them.
I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my mother when I was younger. I wanted her to be that superhero. And she wasn’t. She couldn’t be. She had her weaknesses, she struggled, just like the rest of us. But the expectation I had of what a mother “should” be didn’t match up with who she was. In no way was she a “bad mom,” I’m extremely grateful to have healed my relationship with her, but as a kid, I wanted my superhero! I didn’t understand that before she was my mother, she was simply a person. And so I resented her for not being what I wanted her to be; for not living up to that standard I idolized.
There was a time I thought my father picked up in areas where my mother lacked- I was the ultimate daddy’s girl. But recently, those rose colored glasses have lifted as well. And I realize too, that he is only human. It’s unsettling when you realize your protectors and providers are responsible for a lot of your heart break. And it’s unfortunate when the empath in you can’t fully blame them.
Seeing your parents for who they are is a make or break experience. Sitting here now at 22 years old, my heart breaks for the little girl who never experienced her “standard.” My parents were dealt a finicky deck of cards, but I can’t help but look back at past situations, glasses aside, and wonder how I couldn’t have noticed that I didn’t have a superhero. I had parents, humans, who made mistakes, like anyone in this world does.
As an adult, I get it. It’s hard to take care of yourself let alone yourself and children. I couldn’t even imagine how hard caring for 3 kids were on my parents. It wasn’t my job to. I expected perfection; nothing less. And so that human part of me feels guilt; guilt for resenting my parents for not being the best. But as a daughter, it’s hard to come to terms with that idea. The little girl in me deserved more, didn’t she? Am I expected to let it go? Excuse things said and done because we’re just human?
When we’re kids, we literally have to lean on our parents. A great chunk of what we know and how we move through life is a result of things they’ve said or done. And as I head into my own “adulting” journey, I realize I wasn’t set up to be great. I wasn’t taught or shown the right things, led by the best examples…
I don’t want to give off any impression that I dislike my parents, I have a lot of love for them and am immensely grateful for the things they did do, and are still trying to do- but I can’t deny that a lot of my issues today stem from my environment growing up; what was and what wasn’t drilled into me at a young age.
Of course, baby girl in me aches. But present me has to accept her circumstances and learn from them. I don’t have time to be mad at my parents for what they did or didn’t do. My only mission is to make sure going forward, I do better for that little girl in me. I have to be that superhero for her.
If you struggle with mommy or daddy issues, the solution is simple: Accept them for who they are. Just as you’d accept anyone else. We hold our parents to the highest standards and then resent them when they can’t live up to it. By “accept them,” I mean stop trying to change them; stop expecting them to be a superhero in a world that presents endless obstacles. Nobody is perfect- parents included.
When I started seeing mine for who they were, separating the parent from the person, the resentment stopped. Your parents were human before you, they are still growing- even to this day. It is now your responsibility to heal your inner child and be your own superhero. It’s time to build your own foundation, become your own teacher, and break the cycle. We’re not kids anymore, we can no longer hold our parents responsible for what’s happened in the past.
What’s happened in your childhood was not your fault, but it is your responsibility as an adult to heal that. Be gentle with yourself as you come to terms with what that looks like.
