As a little girl, I dreamed of my perfect love story. And as a 20-something year old woman, I still do. With shelves full of romance books that don’t seem to mirror my reality, I can’t help but wonder, is romance dead? The logic in me obviously knows the answer is no. There’s an element of escapism when we read fiction- if it wasn’t these perfect idealized love stories, we’d just keep our head in reality. I read romance books because I want to escape reality for a second. So, I understand it’s unrealistic to expect a fictionalized love story, but is it unrealistic to expect the principles of a fictionalized love story? When is it acceptable to compare fiction to reality?
Of course, depending on your preferred genre, a lot of fiction is unrealistic. You wouldn’t fall in love with your kidnapper or have your boyfriend slay a dragon in your honor. But to what extent do we romanticize the simpler tropes?
Growing up, I wasn’t surrounded by too many great examples of the typical “love story.” I’ve experienced a lot to know what I don’t want in a relationship, and it outweighs the good I’ve seen. My blueprint was established through the books I’d read, the cheesy hallmark movies I was obsessed with, and rom-coms. They were my standard because what I was shown in reality surely couldn’t be the norm, right?
I want to preface the fact that storybook or not, everybody’s idea of “romance” is different. I do believe romance books leave out a few components of realistic intimacy. It’s not always about grand gestures and declarations of love. But also in the quiet moments where it’s just the two of you enjoying each others company. It’s comfortability. Romance doesn’t always need to be loud if it’s an understood feeling between the parties involved, it doesn’t make it any less valid. But quiet love stories don’t sell off the shelves as fast!
Over the past few months, I’ve binged Kennedy Ryans work- and the standards she sets aren’t necessarily high, but definitely not a common shared experience in society today. It’s not only the display of genuine love pouring out of the pages that has you kicking your feet back and forth, but also the focus she puts on individuality as well- which I’ve seen overlooked in a lot of relationships.
You are a person before you are someones girlfriend or boyfriend, and if you are not whole alone, you cannot be whole with someone else. In every book I’ve read of Kennedy Ryan, the characters partner takes the time to truly see them for more than what’s on the surface.
It’s easy to be attracted to someone, but actually liking someone as a person is a different story. And one of the main reasons we’re not experiencing these grand love stories, is because attraction only gets you so far. It’s about the mentality you bring to the relationship; composed of more than “I like you, you like me.” It’s “I respect you, value you, trust you, understand you.” It’s an intimacy that has nothing to do with physicality. It’s welcoming someone into your world, showing them who you are, what you want, and how you can make space for each other.
I’ve learned that we accept what we feel we deserve. And every single person we interact with has something different to offer. We want others to magnify the love we already have for ourselves.
I don’t feel that love is dead, nor do I think it’s hard to find. Love is everywhere, but you won’t experience your great love story unless you understand a few things.
Attraction is only a fraction of what matters. The most beautiful person you’ve laid eyes on can be your complete opposite in every way. Chasing attraction is the reason you wonder why the “spark” has died within 3 months.
Patience and communication. I’m all for protecting my peace and removing myself from situations in the snap of a finger. But you also have to realize that there will be things you have to fight for. Relationships aren’t always going to be smooth sailing, but when you’re building a connection with someone, you won’t want to give up. And like anything in life, you shouldn’t give up just because it gets a bit rocky. Decide what’s worth fighting for.
There’s no guarantee that the people we date will be our “forever.” We’re constantly changing, not just our appearance but the things we believe in, the way we carry ourselves, our mindsets… and it’s completely normal to outgrow someone. When you marry someone, you’re making a vow to love not only that person, but every version of that person. The person you’re with at 19 will not be the same one you’re with at 25- even if they’re literally the same person! Everything we experience molds us and changes the trajectory of our lives. It is 100% valid to decide that the new version of your partner doesn’t align with your new version.
Since romance books are fiction, many of them end in happily ever after, and that’s far from realistic. Breakups, divorce, and healthy separation are a huge thing in reality. But what I’ve noticed is that many romances are built off the idea that we have one person that fits us in every way- an automatic connection that forms over as little as a few months. But regardless of how well you fit with someone, no relationship is easy.
Everything is magnified in romance books, especially in the beginning of the characters relationship. We don’t see the years beyond “the end.” How many people did you think you’d be with forever that you no longer speak to today? Romance books show a fraction of what’s to come, so you can’t really compare a novel to real life. But you can take the principles: Respect, honesty, healthy communication, and value, and expect it from your romantic partner from beginning to end.
If you’re an avid romance reader like me, know where it’s acceptable to compare. Your story can’t be identical to anyone else’s- fiction or not.
