I’ve always considered myself to be a relatively happy person. Sure, I had my days where I felt down; like the world was against me. Who doesn’t? Life’s a bitch. But overall, my life was short of a bad one. I didn’t have many things to complain about. I had friends, loving parents, money, good grades; what more does an 18-year-old need?
I had no idea that going into 2021, I’d hurt more than ever. It’s safe to say I hit a low point in my life. It’s as if one day everything that could’ve went wrong did. It was overwhelming. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to react. So many things happening that were simply out of my control. It drove me crazy. In a matter of months, I’d went from this happy, vibrant teenager; to a girl that questioned whether life was worth living or not.
I’ve always been an emotional person. I’ve always felt things too deeply. The good times are great, but the bad ones are deadly. During this point in my life, I couldn’t go a day without crying. I was miserable. Crying when I woke up, crying in the shower, crying before I went to bed, it was an endless cycle of tears. It was all I felt I could do. I’d lost so much in such little time, how else was I to cope?
One day, the tears stopped. I didn’t cry anymore. I couldn’t. I was exhausted and I felt drained. Once all the tears ran out, they left me feeling empty. I had no energy, no motivation, and no desire to do the things that I loved. My passions faded out. Little tasks like eating, showering, making my bed, even responding to a text seemed impossible. I would stay locked in my room re-watching my favourite show “New Girl.” It was one of the few things that could make me smile. I was consumed by sadness, anger, and confusion. Physically, I was alive. I was there. I was present. Mentally, I was nothing, I was a prop in my own life.
I no longer considered myself to be a happy person. “How could I?” I thought, “After everything, how could I possibly be happy?” It’s as if all the pain and hurt was playing on a constant loop in my head.
I hated my life. I didn’t know who I was. Looking in the mirror, I was disgusted. Is this who I was now? A prop; a hollow body; incapable of feeling anything other than empty, broken, and lost. It was at this moment, I genuinely wanted to die.
This thought scared the absolute shit out of me. Did I really want to end my own life? At this point, I was 19. I am 19. I’m still young, I’ve barely lived yet.
Depression changed who I was. But I wasn’t going to let depression kill me.
“I don’t want to die.” I told myself, “This isn’t something I should die for. I just need more reasons to live.”
More reasons to smile, more reasons to be happy.
I wanted to get back to who I was before, but I knew that wasn’t possible. The girl I was before was naïve and oblivious. She didn’t have anything to worry about. She didn’t know life could be so cruel.
I wanted to be stronger than that girl. Everything in life is a lesson, and I learned a lot. Not only about myself, but the people around me. I can’t say that the version of me writing this right now is the new and improved version. I’m still battling a war in my mind; I still have days that are suffocating. But I don’t let these things consume me anymore. Consumption feels like it defines you. I’m not defined by sadness, anger, and confusion. I’m a teenager who’s literally just trying to figure out her life. I’m trying to find happiness in the little things and dwell less on the bad things.
I’m still learning, and I’m still growing. And as I do that, I want to share it all with you.
When I first started this blog, I wrote as if I held all the answers to life. I’ll be honest, some shit I wrote didn’t even work for me. It sounded superficial; it didn’t sound like me. I put so much pressure on myself to advocate for everyone, and because of that I questioned if I even wanted to continue this blog at all.
“Why am I acting like I have all the answers when I still struggle to get out of bed some days?” I thought. I felt like a hypocrite. I’m advocating for happy and healthier living while wearing a fake smile every day. I realized that in order to continue with this blog, I needed to make some changes.
My purpose for this blog was blurred. I didn’t like it. I just knew I wanted to create and inspire (which I’m still aiming to do.) As I rebuild myself and my brand; start to become my best, most authentic self, I want to be real about my experiences and how I handle them; not how I’ve heard you should handle them.
After all, this is called ‘Inside Her Virgo Mind’, so why not take that literally?
I don’t have all the facts, I’m not a therapist. I’m a 19-year-old girl who uses writing as an outlet. With this platform, I’m able to share my thoughts and reach others who may struggle with the same things I do.
So, this is me starting over. I’m being honest, real, and 100% authentically me.
Thank you for reading 🙂
