I’ve caught myself saying, “I’m not ready to date.” more times than I can count. Which is weird, because the lover girl in me craves her storybook romance. Which is weird… because I can’t seem to fully give someone the time of day.
Do I have an avoidant attachment style? According to google, and several attachment style quizzes, I do. And if you also:
- fear rejection
- are hyper-independent
- avoid emotional closeness
- confuse building a connection with being “clingy”
- use “ghosting” as an easy way out
you may have one too.
A huge part of growth is self-awareness and accountability. Only when we assess the issue, can we start to find solutions.
I’ve realized dating, or getting to know someone, can tend to feel like a chore to me. Why am I rolling my eyes because someone asked me what my favorite color is? Huffing and puffing because I’m having to explain 3 qualities I look for in a partner, and why? These simple questions make me feel like someones holding a light to my face and interrogating me in a dark room. I get annoyed when people want to take me out. Don’t you have better things to do?
All this to say, I might be the problem. But I don’t want to be anymore.
I like my solitude. I don’t have a sense of urgency when it comes to dating; I enjoy my space.
I wasn’t always this way. But it’s a story as old as time… Coming out of a toxic relationship where I was extremely dependent on them had a huge hand in this. Learning to release co-dependency was a battle, and a long one. Coming to terms with the fact that you are the only person who will never walk away from you is an eye-opener. I’ve worked hard to be okay alone, hard enough to the point where I prefer it. So the idea of inviting someone else into a space I’m comfortable alone in doesn’t intrigue me.
There’s a certain level of vulnerability that comes with dating and relationships. You have to be open to letting someone into that space. And I’m not in the sharing mood.
Vulnerability comes with a price, and the hard truth is: letting your guard down opens a gateway to not only feeling more love, but also more pain. We’re only human, and when people we connect with leave that space we so generously invited them to, we feel that regardless of how okay we are alone. With emotions as high as mine, I have to tread carefully.
However, I can’t excuse this feeling as “not being ready to date.”
“I want to enjoy my space alone.” It’s a valid statement, but it invalidates the fact that I would love to connect with someone new, whether it be long-term or for the moment. 8 billion people in this world and I have the nerve to shut them out. Wouldn’t the ultimate test for overcoming co-dependency be won after seeing that you’re able to be okay alone, even with someone?
Our attachment style reflects how we behave in romantic relationships, and if you’re not showing up in a way that mirrors your desire for love, you may want to asses which style you may have. Not only is it beneficial for you in creating genuine connections, but it’s considerate of others who question why you act the way you do.
My sister and I were having a conversation the other day and she asked me, “Do you think everyone is meant to be in a relationship?”
My immediate answer was yes. “There’s someone for everyone,” the romantic in me has preached for as long as I can remember.
But as I go through the motions of accepting my avoidant attachment style, analyzing my dating history, and certain patterns I’ve picked up on over the years, I’m not sure. I know I don’t want to be single forever, but I also understand the feeling of not wanting someone in your space forever. So is finding that balance necessary for everyone?
Are our attachment styles trying to tell us more about our needs/wants? After a while it feels weird to push the idea that at some point, we need to be in a relationship, and our attachment styles are what’s preventing that. In my case, yes, being avoidant is blocking my blessings. But not everyone’s end goal is to be in love, right? There has to be at least one person out there who couldn’t care less about finding the one. And they’re perfectly happy receiving love in other ways; romance isn’t the only connection you can seek. They say at a certain point, we need to settle down and find our person. But doesn’t that imply that it’s not okay to be alone?
I love love, and I want everyone to experience it in whatever way they can. But I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to be in a relationship; that they can’t find love in friendships, family, craft, and still be happy. It’s okay to not be ready. It’s okay to not know if you ever will be. You don’t need to know all the answers right now.
Whether you’re healing an attachment style, lacking the desire to date, or simply enjoying your space, it’s all valid. More than anything, pour love into yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the longest and most important one you’ll ever experience in this lifetime. It sets the foundation; the standard- and gives clarity on how you truly want to move forward.
