I remember when teenage me got broken up with via text message while at work. I was only 2 hours into my closing shift, and the fact that I had another 3 hours to go could’ve killed me. The only thoughts racing through my head at that moment were, Don’t they know I just lost the love of my life? (He was not the love of my life.) I have to go home and rot for at least a week. (I was over it the next day.) That was the first time I became conscious of the fact that time stops for no one.
I’ve become way too comfortable walking around with a heavy heart, but what other choice do I have? I don’t even have enough down time to really sit with my emotions for the length it may take to process whatever I’m going through. And even if I did, how much would it help to lock myself away from everyone? Let myself slowly be consumed by negative feelings until I’m numb? Hardest truth I’ve had to face as an adult; time does not care about your problems. And to list a few other factors that don’t care: consistency, discipline, bills. While 16 year old me could’ve easily called out of work for the next few days, adult me actually needs to pick up a few more shifts. If given the opportunity to stop time, even for just a few seconds, we’d abuse it. But let me play the martyr really quick…
There’s the quote, “Your feelings/emotions should never be in the drivers seat.” And they shouldn’t. If we let every negative emotion halt our lives, we’d rarely get anything done. Part of being an adult is learning to keep going in spite of your emotions. It’s not about internalizing them, but saving them for later. Understanding time and place is crucial, our decisions affect us a lot more now than they did when we were kids. There’s a lot more on the line- and regulating our emotions is a needed skill.
I’m a highly sensitive person, one thing about it, I’m going to cry. I’ve cried in front of customers at work as I ring them up for items. But that doesn’t make it okay. My emotions have been in control for the majority of my life, but as I’m getting older I realize I can’t let them have that power over me. I don’t view crying as a weakness, but I’ve grown to hate showcasing that side of me. Yes, life is tough and it gets the best of me sometimes, but I have to get better at time and place. My customers don’t need to know I’m on my last leg. That’s something I need to work through on my own time- like in the parking garage on my break.
On the other hand, constantly moving leads to burnout. It’s easier said than done to allow yourself a break. I find myself feeling guilty when I take a pause. You could be doing XYZ, you could’ve gotten this done, could’ve went here, could’ve, would’ve, should’ve. We’re our biggest critique. And the key to regulating your nervous system, is literally to slow down.
With minimal off days, I’m fighting myself to rest, be productive, or get drunk with my girls. And it doesn’t help that conveniently time wants to speed up when we finally get a chance to take a breath. Trying to fit everything into one or 2 days is just as draining as going to work!
So where’s the healthy medium? We have to work to survive but we also need to rest to survive.
Every day it becomes more evident that the systems in place are not set up for us to thrive. So, if you’re struggling to balance your emotions and find your healthy medium, it’s okay. I’m stuck between making all the hours count and wishing clocks were never invented. There’s beauty in time and the opportunity it gives us to live, but also a certain degree of pressure to keep up with a lifestyle we’re not equipped to manage.
I was introduced to this new perspective change a few months ago called “saving the day.” If you’re a workaholic like me, it’s easy to get consumed in what you have to do, to the point that we forget to make space for what we want to do. After work, the only desire I have is to go home and sleep. Just to wake up the next day and do it again. I had to kick myself out of that habit because it breeds an exhausting cycle and feeds the unhealthy assumption that all you do is work. Yes, there are days where I really have 0 energy and need to rest, but at least 3 times a week, I have to “save the day.” I’ll go to a cute cafe, read at the park, take myself on a solo movie date- anything to remind myself that I’m more than my job. You’re more than yours.
A big part of what makes you, you stems from what you do outside of work. Our creative energy produces the serotonin we need to actually live our life. When we work, work, work at a job we have to do to survive- we enter survival mode, and that creative energy is blocked. Then we’re filled with exhaustion, dread, and misery for the human experience. I’ve been there, battled with it, lost, got back up, won, lost again… it’s a draining cycle. And a big part of what’s been negatively affecting my mental health is the lack of energy I pour back into myself. I’m too focused on keeping myself afloat financially that I don’t realize how much of my identity I lose in the process.
So that impromptu hang with friends and spontaneous painting in the park makes a huge difference. Cliche, yes, but it really is the little things that bring you back to life. If we have to keep moving, let’s start controlling some of that direction. While I don’t know why it took me so long to realize free will is definitely a thing, it’s been my saving grace. I could hop in my car right now and drive to South Carolina for a change of scenery; eat the Chili’s Triple Dipper with a frozen margarita for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. There’s so many things we can do with the only reasoning being: because we want to and we can.
Finding a healthy work/life balance has seemed impossible. You may have an agenda, but the unpredictable factors of life don’t care. And that leaves us with the decision to accept shitty circumstances or take back even a fraction of the time lost. Do things just because you want to, and you can. Give yourself things to look forward to. Make the most of your time. Although it may feel like there’s never enough, we have loads of it. That balance may not always be 50/50, each week it may fluctuate, but there has to some sort of line; a barrier that separates you from your job and your identity.
And I’m sending you all grace and love as you find it.
