A spotlight complex is triggered when you feel as if the whole world is watching you. It is healed when you realize that while we are the center of our world, we are not the center of everyone else’s.
Growing up, I was very quiet. I rarely spoke unless absolutely necessary- and even then, I was very selective with my words. Keep it short, keep it cute. This was, in part, because I was shy. But I also had a terrible stutter. If I said too much, all my words would come together and make 0 sense. The looks on peoples faces when I’d slip up silenced me. I was embarrassed. “Talk right, or not at all” was a line I told myself every day. It wasn’t until I slipped up talking to my childhood best friend that I realized I had put way too much pressure on myself. To make up for my stutter, I began to retell my story- but slower. She said, “No, I understood you. You can keep going.”
Of course, it wasn’t the first time I’d stuttered in front of her, I stuttered in front of her the most. It was the fact that through all the mumble over the years, she learned to understand me. My biggest insecurity in her eyes wasn’t a life-changing dealbreaker that made her look at me different. It was a slip up.
Fast forward, I’ve learned to control my stutter. And in the rare moments where my words may jumble together, I don’t feel the need to fold up inside myself and go mute. I bring this story up because so many times in life, we magnify the things we are self-conscious about. And in turn, expect others to magnify them as well; when in reality, most people don’t care. We are consumed by our lives, just how others are consumed by theirs. That spotlight complex is convincing you that everyone is watching you; judging and analyzing… when they haven’t even looked up long enough from their own battles to see us.
A moment that consumes you is a fleeting thought to the next person. You think about it on the way home and they’ve already forgotten 5 minutes later. You matter, but there are 7 billion people roaming the earth. And those little things you magnify are not even considered to a wandering eye.
As I get older, I’m learning a lot about who I am and who I could be. I struggle with wanting to do everything, be everything; just to do nothing. Knowing the amount of potential you have and the power you hold, but being scared to do anything about it is the saddest thing. I may have invented the spotlight complex. I act as if there are cameras on me 24/7, like I’m locked in a room behind glass as scientists observe my every move. But that’s never been the case.
A spotlight complex limits you. You’re trapped in your head when you should just be living. Free yourself from unhelpful thought patterns about what people may think or say. Because in the end, you’ll be haunted by what could’ve been.
What could’ve been if you expressed yourself in a moment where you chose to remain silent; if you took the risk instead of retreating to your comfort zone. Don’t miss out on your life in fear of what you think could happen. It’s not worth it.
Creating this blog was a huge step into no man’s land, and to this day I still struggle with the questions, “Is it worth it? Am I making a fool out of myself?” But the obvious answer is, NO. Your craft; your words… they’re the strongest parts about you. Any way you can express yourself is a gift. My words make up a huge part of who I am, and I want to share my little stories and sweet nothings. I don’t want to silence my favorite parts of myself in fear of being seen.
If you believe in yourself, your craft, and your decisions… stand on them. You should want to be seen in a light you paint. It doesn’t matter what he may think, or what she might say. By internalizing others “potential” thoughts about us, we create unnecessary noise that blocks our creative energy- the energy that drives, and forms the most beautiful parts of us. It deprives us of genuine connections and life-changing moments.
Everyone will not understand you, agree with you, like you, or what you’re about. But you have an audience. Even if that audience is only you for now, you have one. And you will not find your people if you hide behind your doubt. All you can do is show up everyday, raw and authentically, you.
Be loud about your passions, feed your desires with love, and lead with intention. While there are more stars in the universe than we could ever count, you are the star in the story you create. And when you share that story, you honor yourself in a way that cannot be replicated.
