What is projection?
Simplified definition: It’s bleeding on people who didn’t cut you.
How can I tell if someone’s projecting on me?
If you’ve ever felt like someone was acting towards you with unexplainable malice, they may have been projecting. And if they were.. it most likely wasn’t even your fault. Projection is not personal- it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism usually targeted at the ones least deserving.
Why project?
This subconscious behavior is developed from lack of healing. When you suppress your emotions, they come out in the worst ways.
Projection can be used for a variety of things.
1: To make you feel how they feel; negative, bad.
Misery loves company.
Imagine you just graduated college with a 4.0 and a master’s degree. You post about it on social media because you’re proud, and get a comment along the lines of, “Degree is just a piece of paper.”
Mind you.. you have no idea who this person is. It’s a complete stranger voicing their opinion on a matter that has nothing to do with them.
What pushes a person to take time out of their day to negatively comment on your life?
Well imagine, behind the scenes, this person tried the whole college thing.. it didn’t work out for whatever reason. Maybe they dropped out? Maybe they failed out? Over time, they’ve come to regret the actions that led up to them not having a degree, but they would never admit that to themselves. So instead of processing those emotions, they hid them behind their words, “Degree is just a piece of paper.”
Because they suppressed those emotions of feeling incomplete or like a failure, seeing your accomplishment triggered an unhealthy reaction. So their, “Degree is just a piece of paper”, was said with the intention of making you feel an ounce of what they feel.
See how projection isn’t personal? You didn’t do anything but reach a goal. You don’t even know this person!
You were so excited about the hard work you put in for that degree, but that comment has made you question everything. Did you waste all those years?
2: To make themselves feel better; validated.
It’s common for people struggling with negative emotions to pretend they’re fine. Telling themselves, “A degree is just a piece of paper” makes them feel better about not having one.
Subconsciously they may not believe it, but the longer we pretend and suppress, the more likely we are to believe we are okay. It’s not until we’re faced with a trigger that we realize we’re not. And then at that point, the damage is already done.
3. An outlet for rage and anger.
You forget your friend’s birthday. They call you a terrible friend, they come at you with insults, they’re extremely defensive and excessively hurt.
You’re thinking, “Wow, was forgetting their birthday really that bad?”
It wasn’t… you forgot their birthday which can hurt, but their reaction wasn’t because you forgot their birthday. You know who else forgot their birthday? Their abusive ex who tore them down and made them feel like nothing. So, you forgetting their birthday means you’re just like that ex.
Obviously, that’s a ridiculous way to think about it. You could be their best friend in the entire world, but because you did something that linked to a memory they hadn’t healed from, you’re caught on the end of their projection.
In that moment you were not their friend, you were a “punching bag.” They used that common occurrence as an opportunity to release those bottled-up emotions.
Projection can be used to transfer or transform emotions- for the benefit of them and the expense of you.
DISCLAIMER: Degree or no degree, drop-out or graduate- success is what you make it. This is only an example to breakdown projection. Do whatever you want, just don’t break down others in the process! Thanks!
How do I deal with other people’s projection?
Projection can come from strangers who you care nothing about- so it’s easy to brush it off. But projection commonly comes from the people closest to you, too. This can make dealing with it a lot harder.
I’ve expressed that projection is not personal and that’s easier to grasp when it comes from someone you care nothing about. But when it comes from a friend or a family member it can feel really freaking personal.
Know that it’s not you and that it’s not your responsibility to heal their wounds. You are not any bodies punching bag. You are not anyone’s outlet. We go through enough battling with our own shit, emotionally we do not have room to deal with anyone else’s.
Honest advice, it’s best to remove yourself from projection-based situations. Unhealed behaviours are extremely toxic and damaging. While you may want to help, you cannot fix someone else’s problems. You can love them and let them know you care, but speaking from experience, projection from the wrong people hurts.
Other people’s problems being put onto you and made out as if you’re the root cause of them isn’t fair.
I project, how do I stop?
The urge to project builds up when you downplay your emotions- so understand and feel them.
Claiming “It didn’t hurt that bad” when it actually hurt worse, helps nothing.
You can’t heal if you can’t even admit that you’re hurting. As time passes by, those feelings don’t go away- they deepen.
Emotions are going to be felt regardless. Why not feel them as they come up in a healthy manner, rather than tucking them away where they’ll become unhealthy (projection) later?
Identify the roots; ask yourself where it all started? What triggers it?
Heal. Communicate. Set boundaries.
Your projection is your responsibility to manage; processing your emotions irrationally on the people you love will be your fault- not whatever the root cause was.
Your projection leads to others projection. Their projection leads to others projection. You project onto her, she projects onto him, and it just goes on and on.
End the cycle, break the curse.
