Have you guys ever been in a situation where someone you love has hurt you? And the only thing you craved was an apology? Some sign that they heard you, understood you, and wanted to do better? But those few words, “I’m sorry” seemed like a hassle to get out of them?
This could be for a number of reasons. The most obvious one being: they’re not sorry. Maybe they feel what they’ve done is completely fine and they hold absolutely no regrets.
Sure, you’re in distress, their actions have taken a toll on you, but in their eyes.. “It’s not that deep.” Therefore, they shouldn’t have to apologise.
I feel there are different kinds of apologies. There’s apologies for when you’ve done wrong, and there’s apologies for when you’ve done wrong but you didn’t mean to. So you’re not apologising for the “wrong”, you’re apologising because that wasn’t your intent. You’re apologising for the way your actions were interpreted and the way they made someone feel.
For example, if something I said was meant to be taken in laughter, and you take it in pain, I’m not apologising for being hateful- because I wasn’t, I’m apologising because my actions hurt you. And going forth, I want it to be known that I will watch the things I say.
One thing many people don’t understand is that intent does not negate impact. This meaning, just because you didn’t mean for something to be taken in a negative light, doesn’t make it okay.
Sometimes, when we tell people how they made us feel, they take it as an attack on them and their character. But the truth is, you will get hurt and you will hurt others too- whether it’s intentional or not.
Since we’re not defined by our mistakes, it has nothing to do with our character. How you go about the situation deals with character. Taking these sorts of things personally can be the effects of a victim mentality.
Victim mentalities are usually rooted in trauma, which I am nowhere near certified to talk about, but- what I do know is victim mentalities hold three core beliefs:
- Bad things always happen to you
- Everyone’s to blame but you
- There is no point in changing
So, if you tell someone with a victim mentality that they’ve hurt you, taking accountability will be hard. They may start to deflect, shutdown, start an argument, or even turn the blame on you because in their eyes, everyone’s out to get them.
Lack of accountability in everyone, not just those with victim mentalities, is one of the main reasons saying sorry feels like a stab in the chest.
It can be hard to accept that we make mistakes- intentional or not, and putting up walls seems like the easier route, but it’s not. It’s so damaging to our relationships!
Simply saying/being sorry- and understanding why you’re sorry fixes so much. It sends a message that you care.
Genuine relationships are worth putting your pride aside. Just because you’ve hurt someone doesn’t make you a bad person. Owning up, taking accountability, and apologising are mature as hell.
And as we move through life, it’s vital that we are able to see where we need to grow. Don’t be the person who’s quick to put up their defenses and throw out blame. Be the person that see’s areas they can do better in and do better.
Somewhere along the way, saying sorry was painted in a “weak” light. As if saying sorry isn’t one of the best things you can say when it comes down to it.
I’d rather be around people who can see the error of their ways, than someone who just wants to sit down and whine about it.
“Sorry” is a powerful word. Use it.
